My Inner Introvert is Screaming

COVID-19 Quarantine Day 30

We’re coming off a holiday weekend, albeit a strange one, watching church in our homes and dressed in Easter clothes from the waist up.

But this Easter, just like every other year we celebrated the resurrection of Jesus – what joyful event! I know that in my head, but my heart is still in Saturday.

We live in the Saturday. We live in the waiting. It’s hard! And, no big deal, but I might be losing my mind a little bit.

You might not have known that I am an introvert, because I smile big and talk loudly. I can socialize with the best of them. I love to meet new people and I’m never shy in a crowd.

But when my day is filled  with people, I get exhausted. 

Let me say that again, because I don’t know if you can hear how strongly I mean it. 

I get exhausted…insides-twisting, desperation-rising exhausted.

I used to have several hours to myself every day. One of my for-fun-and-a-little-extra-cash gigs is to walk dogs for others. I would download podcasts, leash up the sweet pups after a snuggle, and then walk and listen, and have time in my own head space for at least two hours a day. Puppies AND soul care! 

But things look a little differently now. Instead of puppies, podcasts, and solitude, I’m with my family – my three boys and my husband – all day. Our house is small. Can I be real for a minute? I hesitate to write these things but I know, I know, that someone out here needs to hear me process through this.

This is hard! My inner introvert is screaming.

My Emotional Exhaustion Hurts My Home
And It Breaks My Heart

In general, I’ve noticed that my mood seems to substantially affect the atmosphere of my family and the moods of others. (My middle son, Teo has this “gift” as well.)

This means that when we watched a movie two nights ago, after I got overly irritated and told my kids that they were all bothering me too much with questions and comments and distractions during the movie, the kids were quiet and hurt and felt insecure.

The kids were quiet and hurt and felt insecure… That was my fault. And it breaks my heart.

This means that last night, when Steve made a housekeeping suggestion during dinner and I replied with a biting, ugly comment, the whole family became tense. My kids were shocked, and one of them said, “We’re all getting tired of each other from this quarantine thing.”

That was my fault. And it breaks my heart. 

But maybe it helps a little to know I’m not the only one. In a Zoom meet-up with friends this morning, several others shared that their biggest struggle right now is getting along with their families and having patience in their homes.

This is hard.

Self-Care for Your Inner Introvert

There are some practical things that we can do when the worst is starting to bubble up inside us. We can take a walk. We can do a yoga video online. We can take a drive just to get by ourselves to process our thoughts. We can make a list of things that we’re thankful for. You’ve heard these all before, right? Good list of self-care tips.

But don’t forget the real Healer here. Exercise, mental space, and gratitude are helpers. But God is our Healer.

Take your twisting insides to God and he’ll show you his truths.

God’s Truths We Can Count On …When We Don’t Like What We See in Ourselves

Our Sin is Real

When those hurtful words slipped out of my mouth, where did they come from? They came from my sin deep inside. They came from my selfishness.

Friends, there is some serious junk lurking in me. As much as I’d like to pretend that it’s brand new and ‘Rona’s fault, it’s safe to assume that what I’m experiencing is the sanctifying power of a trial.

As much as I’d like to pretend that it’s brand new and ‘Rona’s fault, it’s safe to assume
that what I’m experiencing is the
sanctifying power of a trial.

God’s Goodness is Real

We need help. Are you ready to admit that?

God doesn’t want us to remain in our sin, not even the sin we think is invisible. He wants to pull it out of us and make us look at it. He wants us to to turn it over to his sin-destroying, faith-growing power. (That’s what I mean by sanctification.)

We can hardly see it now, because we’re still deep in the trenches, but he has won this war. He has freed us from our sin!

Yes, we live in the Saturday, but Sunday is coming!

He has won this war. He has freed us from our sin! Yes, we live in Saturday, but Sunday is coming!

His Love Flows Through Us to Others

Do you think that when we stand with God one day after we die he will say to us, “How many things did you accomplish? Did you keep your house clean? Did your kids know the names of the Presidents?” Of course not! Will we wish we had remembered to clean out our refrigerator? No, definitely not.

If there is any “wishing” in Heaven (and honestly there probably isn’t), I think we’ll wish that we had loved others more in Jesus’ name.

As we’ve already established, I’ve done terribly with that. If you’ve been struggling, too, I have news for you. We have hope! As we take our sin to God, we have his forgiveness in Christ. As we remember his goodness to us, and drink deep of his love for us, he will help us spread that love to others.

Thank you, with all my heart, Lord, that your love is my source.

Processing…

1. Have you been kind to your family? Are you getting along? If you haven’t, confess your sin to God. Then, wrapped in God’s unfailing love, go and apologize to your family for your hurtful words or attitude.
   
2. Do you have a friend you can talk to about your hard days? If not, pray that God will help you find someone you can trust.

Read the second part of this story in “Gentle Love, Undeserved.”